I Shouldn’t Write About My Internal Monologue

“Just write the blog. Sit down and share some stories of times gone by and parenting that everyone can relate to. Don’t get too abstract or in your head. Just write the damn thing.

Try not to be too depressing. All that talking about pain and forgiveness and those who hurt you. Everyone hurts, muffin. Stop harping on it. Family comes and family goes. The same can be said for your friends. Sometimes, your family talks trash to your friends to make them go away. It’s a whole vicious circle. Everyone knows that. Repeating it over and over again just bums everyone out and who the hell wants to read that on a Wednesday morning? Get over yourself. You’re not Kurt Cobain. You’re not even Tiny Tim.

In fact, lets just skip all the mental health stuff all together. Save the Bipolar Express jokes and stories about self-loathing for another time. Maybe do them at Christmas. That’s when you’re all bummed out. After all, there’s nothing people want to read more than how waa-waa sad you are around the festive season, right? Dope. You know you should keep that to yourself, but you can’t help it. What is wrong with you? Oh yeah. Bipolar Express. We forget sometimes. El, oh, el.

Wait. LOL. Yeah…that’s the ticket. Dated reference, old man, but the sentiment stands. Do something funny. Tell a joke. Build your whole post around jokes and funny stories. People like your funny stuff, right? Ha ha, no they don’t. Remember 15 years ago when you were still writing about wrestling and that message board poster called you “f’n Clown Shoes”? You want more of that? You want to picture people rolling their eyes at your “humor”? If so, go ahead. Tell your jokes. Pay the dancing bear. That’s what they are here for. Smear some pig’s blood on your face and stand shirtless atop a mountain screaming to all within earshot, “Are you not entertained?!” God, you’re crazy.

Look. Scratch that. Just write about your kids. Tell stories about how great your daughter is and how hard it is to raise a teenager. Just don’t use her name or picture like she asked you to. In fact, don’t mention her at all. School is hard enough and doing so will only make it harder. Some dad you are.

Oh. OK. Write about your son. Everyone thinks he’s adorable because he is. In fact, writing about Lucas does good because it shows the world how a person who is non-verbal with autism can be both wonderful and similar to them. That’s true. You know that’s true. Finally, something you can share that doesn’t send your head into a swirly tailspin. Good. Let’s do that.

Don’t write about how much you miss him.

Don’t write about how much you miss him!

These people don’t know your schedule and that you don’t get him back from his mother until Wednesday afternoon. So, when you sit down on Tuesday to write these things, you’ve been without him for at least two days and its been ripping you apart. His room is empty and, while you can sleep until whenever you want, you still wake up at 4, 5, and 7 AM. Neither one of your kids are here and your life isn’t full unless they are.

Don’t write about your divorce. Don’t write about your parents. Don’t write about your cats – both the dead one and the one you had to leave behind when you moved out. Don’t write about dead people. In fact, don’t write anything. Just take a nap. You didn’t want to get out of bed today anyway.

You know damn well often you want to stay in that bed many days. Of course, you also know how often you can’t get into that bed because you’re too busy running around the house like a madman cleaning and doing things. Riding The Express gets exhausting. On those “up” days, you shouldn’t take pills to sleep. You know that. So, don’t.

But you do anyway.

Everything is going to be OK. Then again, OK doesn’t mean anything. Anything can be OK. Great job and house – that’s OK! Homeless and jobless – at least you got your health. Sick in the hospital – at least you’re being cared for. Dead – you’re finally at peace. OK covers everything. In that sense, you are definitely OK and always will be. Feel better? No? Keep writing.

Jus be careful of typos. Don’t forget a “t” at the end of “just” or something or you might get an email from someone telling you that you’re dumb. Maybe you are dumb. After all, you didn’t graduate from college. People assume you did, but that’s because you talk all good and stuff. But, it’s a self-righteous façade. You had family members who did the same thing. Remember? Don’t talk about them.

So, all that being said, sit down and write the damn blog already. Write about whatever you want. The only thing that you definitely shouldn’t do is write about this internal monologue. I mean, you can. But that would be a true act of self-sabotage.

I hope you don’t, but I know you will. So much for being relatable.”

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