Tag: children

The Crazy Things My Daughter Says

It was the day that she nearly made me laugh so hard that coffee came out of my nose

We all rushed to get here. When we did, it was electric bills and frozen waffles.

I’m ready for anything. I’m not excited about it. I’m not looking to have long talks about it. But I am prepared for it.

My pockets overflow with Hershey wrappers. They tumble out along the floor like product placement in a Hansel and Gretel movie.

I pictured her handing me paper stacks of glue and popsicle sticks until she was in her 50s.

You never realize how much of your life isn’t kid friendly until you find yourself tasked with being friendly to kids.

I pictured Ashton Kutcher running into her room and yelling, “We got you, Daddy! Ha! Your friend, God, set you up!”

“Hop up on the scale for me buddy.” That’s when the gates of hell open.

A voice in my head whispered, “Why did you do that? What do you know about babies?”

It’s like living in an Adam Sandler movie.