There are so many misconceptions that I had about autism before my son was born. Prior to learning about how different autism could be from family to family and the unique ways in which having a non-verbal child would affect my life, there were things that I believed simply because the media said to.

From blockbuster videos to after-school specials, the general depiction of someone with autism seemed the same. The characters had a monotone voice, shunned social interactions, and lived in a world all their own. The big finale of most shows had them inadvertently impress the people without autism, seemingly giving them worth.

At least in my view, all of this turned out to be nonsense. My son doesn’t speak with a monotone voice. He doesn’t speak with any voice at all, actually. Non-verbal, for us, means that Lucus uses his device, gestures, and intuition to ask for things. He doesn’t use his voice for words. Even if he did, from what I can tell, he wouldn’t sound like anyone from television.

The biggest difference I noticed is that, in most televised depictions, relationships that those with autism have are usually one-sided. There’s such a major gap between both parties that parents can never truly bond with their children. It’s always a struggle of missed milestones, uncelebrated parties, and ignored sentiments. Heartbreak across the board.

Here’s the thing. I’m not telling you that my son celebrates holidays with us in the traditional sense. Lucas is there, happy and clapping, but he would do that for any day. There’s nothing about Christmas or birthdays that he gravitates to specifically.

christmas lucas

The truth is, my son has his own set of things to enjoy. Lucas likes his specific YouTube videos, but even those he doesn’t like in the way many would assume – watching them all the way through to take in the deeper message. Rather, he wants to pause and unpause certain spots and “stim” on sounds in the background. He watches these videos on a level that few can understand.

Lucas doesn’t enjoy holidays in the ways that I would enjoy them, but I don’t enjoy his videos as he would either.

However, I try to. That’s the key and that’s why we have formed the close relationship we have today.

This is the one missing piece from every show about autism that I’ve ever seen. No one ever tries to understand the motivations for the character with autism. They learn to “accept” them, but no one is trying to join them or learn about their view of the world.

Stimming behavior and obsessive excitement over unusual things are often met with a shrug and explanation of “it’s autism”. No one tries to understand what it is about the video, ball, bubbles, or anything else that captivates this person so much.

I did that with my son. Whether it’s looking along with him at the glares in windows and mirrors or learning what it is about this Elmo video that gets him so wound up, I try. I watch the things that intrigue him and show when I understand, by reacting as he would. It is one of the ways I truly connect with Lucas and gets me a response unlike any other.

Just last week, I noticed that he was pausing a song at a precise moment to make it repeat a musical note when it was unpaused. I watched as he would excitedly laugh every time it played the tone. So, I started laughing too. Each time that he hit the button and it played out, I’d howl as if it was the funniest thing I ever heard.

Soon, Lucas wasn’t just screaming with excitement when the note was played. He was looking at me first and laughing along together. He’d hug me and chuckle as if it was an old joke that he and I shared. And, truth be told, that’s exactly what it had become.

Why I Never Push Away My Son With Autism's Inconvenient Hugs

Lucas wants to share his loves with others. Part of what makes him so special is his lack of selfishness. He will never pull his toys away from you or shield his iPad from view. If you take notice of what he’s doing and truly “get it”, he’ll be overjoyed.

His entire life has been about me trying to find those openings and showing him that I’m here for him. Whether it’s anticipating his needs or simply sharing this hilarious three-second spot on his YouTube app, I prioritize showing my boy that he’s not alone in this world.

Because of that, Lucas gives me the same courtesy back. I’m not just an adult who makes him do things. I’m an adult who does the fun stuff he likes too. So when that adult tells him he needs to sit in an auditorium while his sister gets an award or calmly waiting for dinner to be served at a restaurant, he listens.

The scary part is how easily it would have been to miss out on all this. Had I listened to the television and preconceived notions I had, I would have spent more time trying to correct his behavior than validating it, we would have a much different dynamic today.

Lucas belongs in my world and I belong in his. But as his dad, it was my job to be first to open that door for us. I’m so happy I did.