Maybe it’s me. Maybe the reason I embrace my non-verbal son so much is because, prior to his birth, I had no expectations for who or what he would become.

Don’t get me wrong, I expected him to speak and not have limitations in understanding or life skills. That was just part of the whole having-a-baby mentality. You imagine them showing up, growing up, and moving at a similar pace to other kids. Special needs are foreboding and not expected.

I had those basic expectations and, when they didn’t come to fruition, it took some soul searching to get OK with it. I blamed myself and others, imagined long-term nightmare scenarios, and hoped for something to change. It’s all part of the process.

Today, Lucas is a teenager. He still hasn’t spoken a word and has many issues that some would term “disabilities”. In a nutshell, many of the nightmares from the early days came true…yet there’s nothing nightmarish about any of this.

Believing in My Son’s Growth One Question at a Time

My son is a wonderful boy. He’s loving and kind. People who get to know him adore him. He has a zest for life unlike anyone you’ve ever met. The excitement and joy he shows for the same YouTube videos he’s watched a million times rival the joy that another kid might show over a $100 gift. No one is more present than Lucas.

As his dad, I see all of this. I recognize the beauty that autism has brought into his personality. This dire situation that so many parents continue to lament about for decades is, to be honest, wonderful.

Don’t get me wrong. There is work, worry, and what-ifs that still play out, but that is somewhat common in any parenting. Raising a non-verbal child isn’t easy. However, it’s also not the end of the world.

When I say I had no expectations for Lucas prior to his birth, I mean it. There’s no family legacy to carry on or unrealized dreams he needs to accomplish for me. I don’t require sports trophies or honor roll certificates in order to love him. None of that was ever on my radar, even before he was diagnosed.

So now, as he’s on the cusp of turning 14, I don’t wring my hands over all he’s not doing. None of the milestones being accomplished by kids his age are milestones I need him to reach. He never has to do or become anything for me to be proud of him. I just am.

What makes it even easier is that Lucas doesn’t want to do those things. It would all be harder for me to handle if he genuinely had a desire to be a baseball player and struggled with being excluded. If he and I drove each year to tryouts only for him to be sent away in tears because he simply couldn’t follow the rules, it would be devastating.

But that doesn’t happen. My son doesn’t care about baseball.

He also doesn’t care about football, basketball, skeet shooting, or a million other activities that some families make central parts of their lives. Simply put, Lucas has his own world that he loves and our world, with all its oh-so-important achievements, doesn’t even register with him. We try them and we move on. He needs to do nothing.

my baby is almost my height

Because of that, I don’t wedge my wonderfully unique son into the typical spots that other kids might fit into. He doesn’t want to do it and I don’t need him to for us to be happy.

Once you let go of parental expectations for your child with autism, you learn to look at who they genuinely are. You no longer see their lack of verbal language as a hinderance holding them back from the debate team. You see how it affects their personality and learn to understand how it has shaped them as an individual.

Lucas marches to the beat of his own drum. It’s a tune just for him and, as his father, I love seeing him move to the beat. He’s his own person on a level that few can truly understand. The life events that others might think he misses, he doesn’t. Neither one of us do.

So, yeah, maybe it’s me. Maybe the reason I embrace my non-verbal son so fully is because, deep down, I never needed him to be anything other than Lucas. No trophies, no milestones, no words – just the boy who finds joy in what he loves, who teaches me every day how freeing it can be to live without expectations.

And maybe that’s the greatest accomplishment of all – not shaping him into who I thought he should be, but learning to love who he already is.