Our new series “Hi Toon! I’m Dad” is now live on Fridays.
Scroll down to see the latest episode and follow on
TikTok, YouTube, Instagram – all @HiJamesGuttman

LISTEN TO THE FREE PREVIEW BELOW ON SPOTIFY:

When Lucas was two, I took him to the playground and he didn’t care.

Non-verbal and with autism, my son didn’t want to play there in the way that the other kids did. As would be a theme in life, he marched to the beat of a drummer I was unfamiliar with.

Rather than go on the swings and slide down the slide, Lucas wanted to run right up to the fence separating the park from the ever-busy Merrick Road. He’d clap as cars drove by and stared at them as they did. Any attempt to pull him away was futile. That’s all he wanted to do.

He didn’t care when I brought him to kids’ gyms either. In one of the most unexpected moments from his early years, Lucas was so distracted by the front window at a sensory gym that they gave us back our money. Seriously. His shoes were barely off before we left with the same ten-dollar bill we came in holding.

There were meals at Waffle Houses that he wasn’t grateful for and trips together to the supermarket that were more hassle than fun. Every activity and every new adventure was another outing that left me wondering what the point was.

Things like this are common with a son like mine. Kids like Lucas don’t follow the same checklists that some other kids might. The only adventure we found at Adventureland was making sure he didn’t disappear into the crowd.

Sure, there were events that he enjoyed. Famously, I discovered when he was seven that going to the outdoor outlet mall at open and allowing him to walk on his own was a major thing. Lucas loved the independence, and to this day, it remains one of our most cherished memories.

Part of why is that there weren’t many victories back then. Things we did, places we went, and money we spent all could feel like a waste. My boy doesn’t care. Why bother?

This is where you expect me to tell you how it helped us discover his favorite things to do. You’d be right, although that’s not the full picture.

Yes, taking my son to bowling, as he left sneaker skid marks in the parking lot from his protests, led to his fickle love of the lanes. He eventually had fun and came to love it. That’s true.

I’m not talking about that, though. The importance of bringing Lucas to places and involving him in our lives transcends finding his joys. It cuts deeper.

It’s what lets him know that he’s part of our family. It’s what lets him know he’s special to us. It’s how he knows that his dad loves him.

Make no mistake, Lucas knows I love him. He’s seen me consistently show it since he was born. Even in our darkest moments, I never let him feel that he wasn’t my son and that I wanted to be anywhere but with him.

Was I worried? Absolutely. Did I hope he would suddenly speak? Definitely. Did I have nightmares about it? Concerns about it? Terrifying visions of things to come? Yes, yes, yes.

Did he see any of that? No. He didn’t.

The kid who didn’t care about opening gifts still got presents. The boy who would happily eat at home was brought to dinner. The kid who couldn’t care less about petting animals came to the petting zoo.

At the time, it felt like none of it mattered. If he doesn’t care, why should we? Someone once asked me if it was “pretending.”

It wasn’t. For those facing the same questions now, I can tell you that for Lucas and me, it was never pointless. In fact, it was never about the specific activities themselves.

Rather, it was about building up a relationship that showed him his place in our home. Lucas loves me for it, and as the years have gone by, our bond only grows stronger from it.

Taking him to the store used to be, at best, meaningless. He’d shuffle his feet or whine at going down certain aisles. He never wanted to be there, but he came anyway.

Soon, he was picking out snacks and offering a more involved hand.

Today, when we’re out, he won’t stop kissing me. I kid you not.

Recently, my boy has taken to putting his arm around my neck and just kissing my cheek like an old chum. It happens often. Every time he does it, I blush and thank him. It feels like the acknowledgement that I had always wanted.

Lucas can’t say “thank you.” Even in terms of his device and gestures, it’s a rare statement from my boy. For years, the things I did weren’t for gratitude. They were for Lucas.

Those things built up and, because of that, his appreciation comes in the form of his attitude towards me. No one treats me like Lucas does. I feel more loved by that kid than I can even explain.

Look, your kid might not be like mine. I’m not saying that spending time and care on a kid that doesn’t outwardly show it at first will eventually lead to a stream of hugs and kisses. What it will lead to is the realization that you are their person. You’re the one they can count on.

The work I do for Lucas goes beyond taking him out. Having a child with severe autism takes work. It’s work that I do for him whenever he’s with me. He sees that. He’s always seen it.

He also sees that I offer patience and understanding. I show him how to take care of himself when I can. I do for him when it’s needed. In his happiest times, I’m there. In his struggles, I’m there too. That’s what love is. He knows it and I know it.

It’s something we built and, even though the steps might seem unnecessary along the way, they lead to a bigger picture. That bigger picture is the relationship we share today. I’m so grateful that we never gave up.

The Parking Lot Showdown: A True Story of NonVerbal Miscommunication

Looking For a Speaker?
Book James Guttman Here.

@hijamesguttman
Hi World I’m Dad available on Spotify, Amazon, and Everywhere #autism #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismappreciation #fyp
♬ original sound – James Guttman