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When it comes to the holidays, my nonverbal son doesn’t react the way most kids do and that used to feel like indifference.
Lucas has severe autism, and a lot of deeper concepts can be lost on him. Social pleasantries, little white lies, and holiday celebrations are all parts of our daily lives. For my son, they don’t register.
People hear that and they might become sad. After all, you’re picturing your own kid, getting all excited over the upcoming visit from old Saint Nick. How sad for this dad to have a son who doesn’t “get it.”
I appreciate your concern and thank you for the sentiment. But, before you start breaking out the Kleenex, ho-ho-hold up a minute. I need to give you a contradictory statement (as often happens around this part of these posts).
My son has the holiday spirit more than anyone I know.
Whether it’s Hanukkah, Christmas, Easter, or anything we celebrate, Lucas embodies the true meaning of the day on a level that few notice at first… but can’t deny once it’s pointed out.
How can this be? After all, I’ve talked before about his apathy toward gifts. While he’s gotten better through the years, Lucas still doesn’t like opening things. Wrapped gifts might as well be a plate of broccoli. He might appease you with a swipe or two, but other than that, he just wants his iPad back so he can watch the same Sesame Street videos he’s been watching since the Obama administration.
Again, the question was “how can this be?” After all, presents are what Christmas is all about, right?
And that assumption – that gifts define the holiday – is exactly what makes Lucas’s version of Christmas so pure.
Christmas, birthdays, or any other gift day isn’t about gifts. You know that. I know that. Annual cartoon specials know that. It’s often the moral at the end of the 30 minutes.
The problem is that you and I don’t necessarily practice that preached idea. I mean, we do for ourselves… to a point. But for me, as a dad, these holidays become a mad dash to Amazon and whatever else to find presents for those who, in my mind, are judging Christmas by them.
You do the same and, honestly, there’s nothing wrong with that. We’re part of this social construct and, that being true, we do what we can to do the proper dance with others. Expectations and unspoken understandings lead to a slew of high-priced cheer under the tree.
My son, though, doesn’t. That alone could fill a whole post, but it goes even deeper.
Do you know what Lucas loves? He loves food. The things I make for the holidays are special, and he is the happiest chomper in the house. In fact, sometimes we have to keep him pulled back to make sure there’s plenty of crackers for everyone else. To him, a meal is worth more than a million stocking stuffers.
Now while food is a huge part of his Christmas, there’s one thing that’s even more important to my boy. That’s family.
My son loves us. I know this in my bones and it’s colossal for us. There was a time when I didn’t know if he’d ever understand love. My fear, based on nothing more than the visceral pain I felt upon hearing the word “nonverbal,” was that he would never be a part of our home, lives, or celebrations.
Of course, this was before he started to grow up. At five, you worry. At 14, you get it. Today, I get it. I know who he is and I know how he sees us. The fear of the unknown disappears once it’s known.
If I could go back in time to when he was five and let the me back then question the me today, I know it wouldn’t go well. After all, there were items on my Lucas checklist back then that, if I knew wouldn’t come true by this age, would have crushed me. I had so many expectations and so many worries over what I needed him to do.
Over the past decade, that list has dwindled down. I realized that a lot of those needs were just wants. When things like language and certain life skills remained out of reach, I realized that they weren’t the deal breakers I thought they were. In fact, I learned there was only one dealbreaker I needed to happen.
I needed him to know we love him.
And boy did that one come true.
There’s no doubt that he’s a part of our family and, each holiday, he spends the day with us. He’s part of our celebration in the most loving and important way possible.
For the last few years, when our family changed its dynamic, Lucas, Olivia, and I go driving around on Christmas Eve to look at lights. We get cocoa and it is easily our favorite part of every holiday. It’s our time and we cherish it.
Lucas is there for the whole thing. He not only joins us, but he’s aware that this is something special we do together. He knows he’s part of the family and he takes part however he can.
Does he have his YouTube iPad when we do? Sure. He’s allowed. It’s Christmas. Does he glue himself to it and ignore us? No. He’s present in the best way he can be.
To my son, Christmas is not about presents, Santa, or material things. It’s about family, love, and togetherness.
Are the holidays lost on Lucas? Not at all. If anything, he has the genuine spirit in him stronger than anyone else.
JG Note: There will be no blog post on Wednesday, December 24. There will be a new Hi Pod! on Friday December 26. The blog returns next Monday, December 29th. Merry Christmas to all and happy holidays, no matter what you celebrate. All the best from our family to yours.
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