I Stopped Trying to Teach My Non-Verbal Son to Talk. That’s When Communication Started.

To me, “non-verbal” was a terrifying phrase. Autism felt like a maze. But “non-verbal” wasn’t abstract. I understood exactly what that meant. It meant my son had lost the one tool I relied on most to connect with him.

Granted, my understanding was limited due to my lack of exposure. Still, it created images of a kid who couldn’t speak words. It essentially took away the form of communication that I had come to rely on throughout life.

Most professionals brushed past my worries and began offering solutions. Words are overrated, they’d say. For a boy like Lucas, it’s all about communication, not speaking.

They weren’t wrong. They just weren’t standing in my kitchen trying to make my son point.

So they offered an alternative.

Sign language.

Two fingers here, a balled-up fist there, a wave of the hand, and suddenly everything was supposed to be fine. If I could just teach my closed-mouth little guy to use his hands instead of words, we’d be okay.

The issue was his physical mobility. We were told Lucas had “low tone.” The photos of his open mouth and droopy little body proved it.

Getting my son to deliberately extend one finger was about as hard as getting him to say hello. To this day, it’s still a pipe dream. Hell, getting him to keep his hands at his sides is a challenge.

I went from failing to teach him words to failing to teach him sign language.

Three cheers for me.

For weeks, I tried to make that finger happen. If he could just point to his mouth, we’d be okay. After all, American Sign Language is rigid. If he didn’t do it correctly, no one outside our home would understand.

Then it hit me that the world didn’t need to understand Lucas yet. I did.

If Lucas was understood by me, his sister, and the people closest to us, we could build upon that understanding. It wasn’t about fingers or perfection. It was about movements he could make.

That’s when our communication really started.

@hijamesguttman
That was the moment I stopped waiting for words and started paying attention to what he was already saying. #autism #nonverbalautism #autismacceptance #autismappreciation #autismappreciation
♬ original sound – James Guttman

I stopped needing him to wag one finger to say “no.” I just needed him to shake his hand back and forth. Over time it evolved. Today, when doing it, he presses his thumb and finger together like my grandfather saying, “Capisce.” It’s adorable. We all do it in our house. It’s how we say “no” to each other across the room.

I learned his language because I had always been learning him.

Since he was a baby I’d tap his tiny hand to his chest and say, “Who does Daddy love?” and answer for him in a high-pitched voice, “Me!” He went from staring at me blankly to laughing to doing it himself.

That one moment told me everything.

I couldn’t teach him the textbook. But I could teach him himself.

“More” became two fists bouncing together like an old Hulkamania wrestling pose. He can’t isolate fingers, but he can ball up fists. So that’s what we use.

These weren’t textbook signs. They were Lucas signs. And the moment he realized I understood them, everything changed.

It didn’t magically erase meltdowns. What it erased was his fear that no one was listening.

The calm came later. The trust came first.

When my son shakes his hand back and forth now, he isn’t just saying no. He’s saying, “You get me.”

And he knows that I do.

I didn’t change my son. I changed the way I met him.

And that’s when our communication really started.

JG Note: There will be no new blog post this Wednesday. Instead, I’ll be sharing a year-end video recap to close out 2025. The next full blog entry will go live on Monday. You can find the recap on my TikTok, Facebook, and Instagram pages. Thank you for being here and for spending this year with our family.

If this story resonated with you, I talk more about building connection when words aren’t available on this week’s episode of Hi Pod! I’m Dad.