Language isn’t just words. The act of “having language” includes so much more.

When I talk about my non-verbal son, I try to explain that he has many resources for telling me his wants and needs without ever having to utter a word. For those who haven’t met him, it can paint a vivid picture. To them, it’s about communication devices and pressing buttons.

That’s a huge part of it. Lucas has a tablet that he uses to ask for pirate booty in the robotic voice. Whether orange juice, pizza, or TV, his loves are all there for the asking. He can order his needs from me like he’s driving through Wendys.

The device does get a bit deeper, although he doesn’t use it for that all too often. Feelings are represented in button form, but go unpressed. Some phrases like “all done” and “I need help” are used, but rarely. For my boy, the device is for getting grub into his hungry little face.

One would think that it’s because he has a lack of understanding. After all, if he doesn’t understand the concept of happy or sad, there’s no reason to press it. In fact, if he’s only asking for toys and food, there must be missing pieces of his receptive language, right?

The absence of use doesn’t equal the absence of understanding. Sometimes, to truly understand all that he truly understands, it’s really about presenting options for him to tell it.

Thankfully, Lucas’s way of expressing himself doesn’t end with that tablet. One of our main forms of conversing is hand gestures.

Since he was a literal newborn, I’ve been showing Lucas hand movements to express himself. This was long before I ever knew he would have autism or be non-verbal. Starting at 3 days old, I would ask him, “Who does daddy love?” I’d have him tap his own chest and then I, in a high-pitched tone, would shout “Me!”

To this day, he does it. Ask him who his dad loves and he’ll tap himself. It was a small thing that turned into a major one. Had you told me back in 2011 that this would be something significant in his eventual development, I wouldn’t believe it. Because of this, I have made it a priority to introduce hand signals to his language,

We did “hi” – a favorite for him and me. There’s the famous story of us walking through the outlets here on Long Island. A group of guys were sitting in front of the movie theater, waiting for it to open. Lucas walked up to one, double-tapped him firmly, and waved in his face. The guy was taken aback but said, “Hi”. Lucas grinned and walked off. I’ll never forget the look of pride on my boy’s face. Today, he waves appropriately and with an understanding of what it means. People wave back. It’s a whole thing.

“Love” was another major one. Teaching my boy the concept of love was daunting, as it’s one of the cornerstones of worry that comes with learning your child had an autism diagnosis. I feared he would never grasp what this truly meant and, while he may have been tapping his chest when asked who his father loved, I worried that was simply a parlor trick. I wasn’t real if he didn’t know the meaning of “love.”

Yeah, yeah. No one knows what love truly is. I get that poetic aspect. I’m talking about the general ballpark idea behind it. He needed to understand that.

It took a while, but I’m confident today that he does and, when I taught him to hug his body to symbolize “love”, my heart melted. I knew he got it. It was a major milestone that they don’t put on checklists.

Many of these gestures have something in common. They’re not precise finger movements. Most are waves or sweeping motions. He’s struggled with those types of mannerisms and, because of that, we’ve had to be a bit creative with how he moves.

That was evident when we started doing “no”. Lucas doesn’t shake his head, for some reason, and can’t express affirmative or negative reactions in that manner. So nodding is out of the question. I needed to teach him “no” with his hand. The way I went about it was hard for him to follow.

I placed my index finger up and wagged my hand back and forth. I looked like an old lady in a cartoon scolding her dog. After demonstrating for Lucas, I had him do it. I positioned his hand and showed him the way.

What he ended up doing, however, was a pinched thumb and forefinger. He looked like a dainty little lad holding a cup of tea. Then he waved his arm. It was the most adorable thing.

And it’s how we say “no” now. I do it too. We do the dainty tea arm wag. That’s “no”.

The more open-ended the phrase, the more possibilities it presents. Itiis what makes “no” such a major step, as it’s starting to offer me insight into the depth of Lucas’s comprehension. Teaching him to say no goes much farther into receptive language than anything else we’ve learned to gesture.

My boy gets its meaning. If he does something bad, like tearing into a bag of cookies, and sees me catch him, he will do “no, no, no” with his hand. I always respond, “If you know no, no, no, then why are you doing it?” But I know why. He’s a kid. The fact that he’s gesturing “no” shows that he not only knows its meaning but knows that it’s applicable here…despite openly disobeying it.

Having this gesture at our disposal has shown me that he knows so much more. I realized it the first time I asked if he was tired and saw him, with his hand at his waist, doing the no motion. Had I not looked down, I’d have missed it.

It showed me that he what “tired”, when said in a natural tone, means. No exaggerated movements to symbolize it. No using it in conjunction with “bed” or “sleep”. I simply asked if he was tired and he answered. That’s a big thing. Suddenly, the floodgates start to open. Teaching him this one gesture took me behind the curtain.

Understanding my son is the most important thing in my life. I don’t just mean understanding his words or wants. I mean understanding him as a human being. There’s a depth to this kid that, due to his lack of words, can sometimes remain largely unnoticed. It’s my job to notice and help him express it to the world.

That’s my mission in life. After all, who does daddy love? Exactly.