No Plans, No Guilt: A Weekend with My Non-Verbal Son

We just capped off a few days of freedom. With summer schedules just around the corner and the scholastic ones done, the kids had a rare stretch of untethered time.

As the father of a 16-year-old daughter, I know that these times are prime party and social calendar fodder. So we find time to eat a meal together and watch a tv show or two, but I know my girl is out doing her thing mostly.

Lucas, however, is a different story. My 13-year-old son is non-verbal, has autism, and is my right-hand man. Even as he’s gotten older, he remains with me always. I can always count on time with my boy.

Like most parents, I lament our busy lives and wish we had more time to do more things during our time. We all do. Oh, why aren’t there more hours in the day? Why are we always so busy? Whoa is us.

Well, the schedule broke this week and we got our chance to build that rocketship to the moon. For the time that I had him here, the weather was beautiful. The birds were singing. The world, as they say, was our oyster. Know what we did?

Bubkis.

Nada.

Big bag of blah.

I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, time at home isn’t blah.” It’s fun family time to cherish and sing about. “Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans. The real memories happen in those moments.”

And, yeah, I know what you mean. I’ve seen the bumper stickers. I’ve had those days where staying home brought about wonderful memories. Hot chocolate, Hallmark Channel, and Lego Marvel on Xbox – I know. We’ve definitely lived those times.

This wasn’t that. This was pure nothingness.

I barely have any pictures, that’s how blah it was. I’m a classic dad in that sense and I am never at a loss for photographs. With Lucas as a willing subject, I jump at the chance to overload my album.

That didn’t happen this weekend. I took next to none and can’t really recall anything substantial we did. It was like there was a vortex in my den.

Look, I tried to get us into the world…albeit halfheartedly. Lucas and I were both scrubbed out in pajamas well into the afternoon. While I searched for an activity to do, he was more than excited about the prospect of jumping around and clapping for his iPad all day. Me? I wanted to say we did at least one thing. I made some suggestions.

Hey, Lucas. Pool? Do you want to go in the pool? We can swim.

My son looked up at me with his trademark disinterested expression. Then, he raised his hand up and wagged his finger in the “no, no, no” motion to signify it was a hard pass on swimming, although he loves it. That said it all. He wasn’t going anywhere. Nothing makes my son communicate clearer than when he thinks you might make him step away from his tablet.

Later, our excursion from the house was less voluntary, when we had to go and pick up his sister from an afternoon party. As is often the case, the time she needs to be picked up is usually hazy until I get a text to come. Then she follows up by texting, “are u here” on repeat every few minutes. It’s a fun game that all parents to teenagers know.

So I sat Lucas down to get his shoes on and told him we had to go in the car to get his sister. I made the driving motion with my hands and pointed towards the garage. I said “car” slowly and clearly. There was no doubt that he knew what I was telling him.

As soon as he sat, I handed him one of his socks Do you know what this little scutch did?

He took it from me as if he was going to put it on…and then tossed it away.

I’m not going to lie. That was funny. I laughed and went on to explain again in plain terms, in case he didn’t get it. Drive. Car. Sister. Party. Come on, kid.

I probably don’t even have to write what happened next. I hadn’t him the other sock and he threw it even further. Time was ticking. He was insistent. I couldn’t leave him at home.

Ten minutes later, when my daughter texted, “are u here”, I replied.

Yeah. Just pulled up. Hurry. Lucas has no shoes on.

That’s how strongly this kid felt about being home and doing nothing, so you know what I did? Aside from those sisterly drivebys, I let him do nothing. I did nothing too.

As the father to a special needs child, I know how weekends like this can sometimes beat on you a bit. When Lucas was younger, I convinced myself that any time not spent teaching him was time wasted. There was such a go-go-go mentality that weekends like this would have eaten away at me.

It was all about getting him out and about, showing him how to interact with the world, and helping him become a strong member of society. Days at home felt like days where I was failing him as a parent. It was pretty intense and a feeling that still simmers in the background to this day.

I don’t keep him home because he’s difficult in public or I am hiding him from the world. Those were things that a nagging voice in my head would tell me when he was little. It’s not true now and it wasn’t true then.

We stay home because he’s a person and sometimes people don’t want to go out. People deserve a break from life when life allows it.

No one has a longer and harder schedule than Lucas. He does it all while keeping his happy demeanor. I don’t know if I could have done the long hours for as long as he has all these years and still maintained the sweet nature he has. It’s truly amazing.

So, yeah. We did nothing this weekend…well, except write this.