How old is my son Lucas? It’s not an easy question to answer, at least not the way most parents would. Sure, his birth certificate says 13, but Lucas doesn’t fit into a neat number. He’s just Lucas.

Some parents of special needs kids like to say things like, “Jimmy’s 15 years old, but mentally he’s six.”

I’ve heard it a lot, but it’s never felt quite right to me. The ages picked are usually just guesses. They’re numbers meant to help others understand their child’s challenges. For Lucas, though, it’s more complicated than that.

He’s not neurotypical, so he doesn’t fit into the milestones or maturity of any specific age. He’s not a typical 13-year-old, but he’s definitely not a typical six-year-old either. He’s just Lucas.

Chronological age has nothing to do with it. My son is non-verbal with autism. He’s not the victim of a wizard’s spell that altered his aging. So while there are aspects of his development and understanding that might match up to those of a much younger child, he’s not simply operating on the maturity level of a younger kid. He’s operating on a maturity level all his own.

I always believed this, but it never felt as crystal clear as it did until he entered his teen years. The boy who lives in my house today can’t be defined by a number.

In many ways, Lucas is still much younger mentally than his birth certificate might imply. He watches Sesame Street videos and loves light-up toys. Leapfrog devices and singing dolls are still a big part of his life. I say that he’s still my baby because, well, he’ll always be my baby.

He’s also a 13-year-old. I know it with the mustache that keeps creeping onto his upper lip. Having him apply deodorant, something that used to be a cute thing he did for “practice for when he needs it”, has become a necessity that is noticed when it’s not done.

Even with physical changes aside, there are behaviors and attitudes that my boy displays that seem more in line with an adolescent than anything else. I’m watching it play out in front of me in the same ways it did for his neurotypical older sister.

Much like Olivia, my son spent his younger years as my number one fan. When school was over, he would follow me around the house like a paparazzi. It often felt like I could never get that elusive “moment of peace” that most parents whine about.

Well, there’s some good and bad news. The good news is that I have those peaceful alone times now.

The bad news is that I have those peaceful alone times now too. (crying emoji)

Lucas has become a fan of his own bedroom. After a long day of school, instead of hopping around me and screaming with delight, he likes to go upstairs and swipe on his iPad while snuggled up in bed. He looks like a little man checking his email.

When he’s ready to come back out, he does. However, on some nights, it becomes his main destination. If I come up to check on him, he makes it pretty clear. Walking past his open door, I’ll see him sitting there with his device in hand. To that, I’ll call out to him.

Hey, buddy. You’re up in your room, huh? Want to come out?

To this, he will put his palm up, facing me. Then he will scrunch his hand open and closed. It is the same motion we associate with “hello”. Aw, cute, right?

No. In this case, he isn’t saying hi. He’s showing me a new gesture he uses to tell me to close the door.

I’m still getting used to this as our new normal and always close the door slowly, somewhat incredulous that he wants me to leave him alone. As I do, I can see him watching intently from his room until it’s just about completely shut, as it reaches the final click, he goes right back this iPad swipes.

That door has become the symbol of his growth. He’s closed it in my face on more than one occasion and lead me to the doorway by the hand to tell me to leave. His laziest way of telling me to get lost? He takes my hand and will literally toss it toward the doorway like five-fingered garbage.

So, you tell me. Is my son a 13-year-old who is mentally six because he still likes shows and toys from his preschool days? How could that be an accurate statement when he has behaviors straight out of a typical teenage boy’s playbook?

The answer is, he’s not. Lucas is 13 years old, but mentally, he’s… well, he’s Lucas. That’s the point.

Autism isn’t about fitting a different mental age – it’s about being your own person. Lucas is unapologetically unique, and to reduce him to a false number just to explain him to outsiders wouldn’t be honest. He’s not 6 or 13 in anyone else’s terms. He’s Lucas, and there’s no one else like him.

READ NEXT:

PROTECTING LUCAS: WHAT I’VE LEARNED ABOUT LOVE AND ADVOCACY

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