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Writing, parenting, and advocating for my non-verbal son aren’t just passions. They’re part of who I am. I carry a daily sense of gratitude for the opportunities I’ve been given to share our story.

I write about autism appreciation because I believe in it. Autism doesn’t shape people in just one way. It touches countless aspects of my non-verbal son’s personality.

Many of those expressions of autism make me smile. I look at my boy’s lack of ego as one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen in a person. Lucas is proud of Lucas. He barely cares when I’m unhappy with his actions. The thoughts of strangers don’t affect him at all.

Lucas doesn’t bully or do things out of cruelty. Can he toss his weight around when trying to steamroll to the fridge? Sure. Does he shove people just because he can? No. That’s a major difference.

It’s still something we’ve worked on as he’s grown. Instead of pushing me over to get what he wants, Lucas comes over and forcefully takes my hand, interlocking our fingers. Then he rolls his arm onto mine, hooking us together, and walks us to the fridge. It’s like a wedding procession.

It’s a mixture of adorable but annoying, and it’s the result of years of teaching him, before his growth spurt, how to gently ask for what he wants.

Looking back, I’m kind of blown away that he was able to learn that. I remember, in those early days, being convinced he wouldn’t. I imagined a giant version of my baby boy running through screaming villagers so he could get orange juice.

Reading this, I’m sure some people will think this is a story about how “anything can happen.” Yes, he can be taught, and my little man is eager to learn. A lesson like this was bound to take.

Yeah. No.

For those just starting the journey of autism parenting, I want you to take this in. It’s important. It’s something that still weighs heavily at times.

When my son was two, he loved an app called Elmo’s ABCs. It’s an interactive and honestly kind of irritating game from Sesame Street. The concept is simple. They show you a letter. You trace it with your finger. It unlocks a video that starts with that letter.

That’s it. Trace the letter, get a video. Everybody plays. Everybody wins. Easy.

At two, Lucas couldn’t even begin to understand the rules. He’d routinely bring it over, and someone in the house would trace the letters so he could get his video.

Of course, we worked on it with him. Hand over hand, taking his finger into yours like a pencil – we tried every teaching technique we could think of. This went on for years.

Then, when he was five, his teacher mentioned him using that very same app in school. We all laughed at how he would incessantly bring it over for someone to trace the letters. Hopefully, one day, he’d get it. That’s when she made a proclamation.

Oh, he’ll get it. This year. That’s our biggest goal. I say, ‘Lucas, we’re going to be tracing those letters by the end of the year!’

We all smiled and cheered a little cheer. Hurrah!

Nine years later, at 14 years old, Lucas still loves that app. It’s one of his favorites.

And he still doesn’t trace the letters.

This is after a full decade of hand-over-hand. It’s not something I didn’t try to teach or a sign of parental neglect. It’s simply something that he doesn’t understand, and regardless of the work we put in, it just seems out of reach…for now.

To put it plainly, we don’t determine what Lucas will learn. Only Lucas does.

Today, he tries. When you trace the letter, it makes a little yellow line. So when he hands me the iPad, I see his attempts to scratch away at it. I’m proud of him for that and I tell him so.

I also have to tell him to not hand me his iPad while I’m driving. That’s another story.

My point is that Lucas can do some pretty involved things. Yet for every complex movement he’s mastered, there are simpler ones that remain out of reach.

It’s one of the most important lessons I’ve had to learn as a special needs parent. When Lucas doesn’t do something that I think should be easy, that doesn’t mean he won’t learn to do things above that skill level. Even if they seem linked in terms of movement or understanding, he seems to pick them up independently.

In other words, just because he can’t speak doesn’t mean he can’t do so much more.

There was a time when language was everything. He needed to articulate words and phrases. Without it, I was convinced he’d never learn anything else.

But he has. With my son, it’s not about learning a skill and building on it. Sometimes he just gets it. Sometimes he doesn’t.

Are you ready for the biggest example of this?

Lucas can say words.

Full stop. Yes. Sitting in the backseat of the car, my non-verbal son will begin to babble and, in more than a few cases, they are actual words.

Da, da, da, da, da. Yah, yah, yah, yah.

You’re probably thinking, “That’s the opening. That’s how you teach him!”

Is it? Because I will immediately spin around and say, “Lucas! Yes! Da, da! Da, da! You say it!”

Instant silence.

You just did it. Again! You do. Da, da, da…

Nope. He’ll poke at his mouth and look at me with the sweetest expression of, “What do you want from me?”

So I let it go. I smile and turn back around.

Da, da, da…

Killing me, kid.

Actions like these remind me that the things my son can and can’t do aren’t due to lack of effort. We work on everything, and whatever he can get, he does. The only person who tries harder than I do is Lucas himself.