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I’m a single dad. My 17-year-old neurotypical daughter and her 14-year-old non-verbal brother with autism live with me exactly half the time. When they’re here, it’s all on me.

I’ve done what I can to dispel the Mr. Mom stereotype Michael Keaton gave us in the ’80s. I don’t iron grilled cheese sandwiches or give babies chili. I know what I’m doing.

Still, I worried when we first split. Even though I’d long done a lot of traditional “mom stuff,” I questioned myself. Just like I did when my son was first diagnosed, I asked if I was enough. If I could really get the job done.

This all happened while I was writing this very blog. Unlike my quintuple bypass or other major moments I’ve reflected on after the fact, this one unfolded in real time. Right here, in these posts.

My separation was in 2019. The divorce came about a year later. It feels like ages ago and yesterd… actually, no. Just ages ago.

And now we’re here. And here comes the question. The one you’re thinking and the one people have asked. The one I’ve asked myself.

Did having a child with autism cause my divorce?

To that, I offer two answers. Lead to it? Maybe it was part of the bigger picture.

Cause it? Not at all.

Let’s be clear. For those who read my positive posts and assume my son must be “high-functioning,” Lucas is not. He has pronounced delays and disabilities across the board. His mornings take forever. Our days can feel claustrophobic. The fear, pain, and worry that comes with raising a child with severe needs? I know it well.

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But I don’t write about the positives because there are no negatives. I write about the positives because his beautiful qualities, the ones that exist because of autism, make every effort worth it.

Still, Lucas wasn’t the reason for my divorce.

If you doubt that, try this. Ask a divorced parent of a child with special needs when their relationship started to crack. Few, if any, will say, “The day our child was born.”

No. There were red flags long before. Quiet problems swept under rugs. Brooding issues someone else might’ve left over. Divorce is rarely caused by just one thing. Especially not the arrival of a beloved child, no matter how difficult their needs.

My marriage was no different. I can only speak for myself, but the signs were there before either child was born. What once felt like opposites attracting became slow, lonely stretches of disconnection. What once sparked laughter became friction. One day, someone stops walking towards the finish line. That’s all it takes. Marriage takes two. Divorce takes one.

What my son’s autism did was shine a spotlight on the divide. Like any major life challenge — a financial crisis, a sick parent, a sudden loss — it exposed the weak spots. Raising a child with severe needs is a test of unity. Of alignment.

Some couples pass that test. I know husbands and wives raising kids like mine who came out stronger. Whether they’re both superparents or both drink a lot and can afford babysitting help, they make it work. They stay in sync. They pass.

And then, some of us don’t. The little flags become massive banners. You’re standing side by side but feeling completely alone.

In my case, I knew, even before Lucas was born, that we had unresolved issues. When life brought more pressure, the gaps widened. The desert between us stretched longer. The walls started closing in. Divorce, the thing I never expected, turned out to be the thing that brought peace. For both of us.

Do I make all the right moves as a dad? No. None of us do. But on the days I have my kids, I give them all I’ve got. Not 40 percent seven days a week. One hundred percent when it counts. My wins and losses as a father are mine. No blame. No deflection.

No one caused my divorce but my ex-wife and me. And even that’s up for debate.

Sometimes the best changes are the ones you don’t recognize until you’re living them. We chose to give our kids the best version of who we are. Apart. And for the first time, I finally feel like that’s exactly who I am.

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READ NEXT: I’ll Teach My Non-Verbal Son the Basics Forever, If I Have To

 

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Hi WORLD I’M DAD: How FaTHERS CAN JOURNEY FROM AUTISM AWARENESS TO ACCEPTANCE TO APPRECIATION 

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Hi World, I’m Dad: How Fathers Can Journey to Autism Awareness, Acceptance, and Appreciation

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