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When you talk about teaching a non-verbal child different skills, the word repetition comes up a lot. The funny thing is, the word itself instantly makes you think of doing something over and over again…which, ironically, can get pretty repetitive.
Lucas, at 14, has seen many things done repeatedly for his benefit. Whether it’s brushing his teeth or stuffing his little caveman feet into a pair of Nikes, my boy has had to do quite a few tasks over and over again.
Repetition, though, isn’t just about duplicating your action again and again in the moment. Sometimes lessons can be taught slowly. Sometimes you don’t even know they’re happening.
If this sounds like words of wisdom for a long-time autism journey traveler, that’s great. But I do have a confession to make.
This is something I pretty much learned yesterday.
I know that some lessons get soaked up without us realizing. The first time Lucas held the door for me at the house or got himself dressed, I was surprised. I get that achievements don’t always need to be drilled into his head over and over.
Sure, behavior like sitting nicely at a party without jumping on the food tray came about through steady teaching. That’s a common thing. Without verbal words or even the ability to go deep into his thought process, Lucas needs to see and do things a few times in order to “get it.”
So how often is needed? Daily? Weekly? Monthly?
Try yearly.
I know this because every single year, we put up the Christmas Tree on Black Friday. Even before he was born, I was lifting my daughter up to put the star up top. I look forward to rolling out Christmas more than I look forward to Thanksgiving.
Since the divorce five years ago, it’s become more and more of a major event in my house. Even Olivia, as she’s worked through her teenage years, stayed invested. Lucas, well, he’s cool about it.
That’s the best you can hope for sometimes. Granted, I’m lucky to have an easy-going kid. Rarely does my little man melt down with me, but if he’s not feeling something, he doesn’t do it.
When it comes to rolling out the sleighbells, though, he goes along with us. It feels like appeasement, but I’ll take it.
Each year, I hand him an ornament and ask him to put it on the tree. Each year, he does the same thing.
With his head tilted down (the pose he saves for pictures), my boy will take the decoration from my hand, walk to the tree, and literally shove it into the branch.
Delicately balanced, the ornament will remain there while I tell him, “good job.” Then, after he walks off, I’ll fix it. That’s just how it goes.
That’s not the only ornament he does. For picture purposes, Olivia will stand with him and demonstrate the correct way to do it. It’s a photo I make sure to always capture. Nothing warms my heart more than to see how she helps her brother. Even now, it brings a smile to my face to think about.
Other than that, that’s it. Lucas doesn’t do much in terms of putting together the final product and, truth be told, we’re all OK with it. He doesn’t like it much and, especially when he was younger, we were worried he would topple the whole thing like Kiefer Sutherland. If he only does one ornament, even incorrectly, we’re all good with it.
All this brings us to this past week. Black Friday was upon us and it was time for the yearly festivities. My little man, in his Mr. Bean shirt, stared right at me as I handed him an ornament. I gestured towards the tree like Mr. Miyagi giving away cars and told him to put it up.
With a stumble of his feet, Lucas walked up to the tree, held open the loop on the ornament, and placed it perfectly on the branch.
I was stunned silent. It was the last thing I expected and I didn’t know what else to say besides, “Good job, buddy.”
My giant elf of course, was unfazed. A major part of Lucas’s autism that I appreciate is how he doesn’t revel in his victories. He just does what he does to do them. The goal isn’t applause or praise. He doesn’t care about that stuff or even recognize it when it comes. He’ll take a kiss or a clap of the hands, but it’s not something he cares about or even associates with the action he just did.
No, Lucas does things like this because that’s what he does. If he learns it, he does it. If you don’t ask him to do it, you’ll never know he can.
There’s a beauty to that. Every one of us reading this knows what it’s like to be excited for the reactions of others. We plan what we’ll say or do when people are around to see it. We imagine the looks on their faces when they see for themselves.
Not my son. Lucas doesn’t care what you think. Like it? Don’t like it? Whatever. He does what he does for himself. He lives life the way we all tell our kids to. It’s life advice we all give our kids.
“Do it for you, not for anyone else.”
That’s my boy. He lives by this credo and I never had to explain it to him.
And maybe that’s the real lesson I was supposed to learn. Repetition doesn’t always look like drills or daily routines. Sometimes it’s something as small as a once-a-year tradition. It’s a moment you hardly think twice about while quietly building into a new skill.
Lucas didn’t practice this in July or in October. He simply lived life, gathered whatever he needed, and showed me in his own time that he had learned something new. Maybe that’s how it works for him. Maybe that’s how it works for all of us.
Growth comes when it comes. Sometimes, once a year is more than enough.
READ NEXT:
My Essay in HuffPost: “I Don’t Want a Cure for My Son’s Autism”
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