Over these past few years, I’ve gotten a lot of questions from parents about raising a child with autism. For many of them, I can’t offer more than personal experiences.

My son may be non-verbal, but the way autism affects him is unique, as it is for all children on the spectrum. Even another kid who might be identical to him in terms of progress level could be quite different in terms of specifics.

Some kids love bubbles. Some kids love balloons. Some kids love fidget spinners. They’re all different versions of the same kinds of stimming exercises, so offering advice for one might not work for another. At the end of the day, the best we can do is tell our own tales and hope there’s information there that another family can glean something from to bring home.

That’s why I’m hesitant to ever offer “autism parenting hacks” because there really isn’t such a thing in the grand scheme of parenting. The only reason I am leaning towards that phrase is because my son has autism and these are some decisions I’ve made to make life a bit easier for him and for me. Whether it’s a way of thinking or a product purchase, I have had 12 years to figure some things out.

One of the most important parts of all of this was a change in thinking. When Lucas was little, I was still trying to make things fit into a milestone timeline that felt correct. There were birthday parties at play gyms that he hated and toys that were age-appropriate, but not Lucas-appropriate. Much like many parents in my position, there was a desire to “fix” an issue that didn’t need fixing by forcing my round little fella into a square-shaped hole.

Today, we don’t do that. He fits where he belongs. One of the best examples of this is “his music”.

When Lucas was a baby, he had a fish tank-style mobile that he loved. The little toy carp would light up and the music would play. It was part of some sort of playset that has long become a distant memory. This giant plastic tank was the centerpiece and the music instantly put him to sleep.

This particular piece also came off the crib and could be carried around. As he got older, we kept this musical box by his bedside and he would hold it near as he drifted to sleep.

He also would hurl it over his gate when he wanted to get our attention. To this day, I still have PTSD from hearing it crash onto the hardwood floor at 3 in the morning. There was no way to get him to understand that it could break by doing this. So he did it…again…and again…and again.

Until it broke...again…and again…and again.

There were nights spent driving across Long Island to find someone on Facebook Marketplace who had one of these out-of-print flying fish boxes. There were expensive deals on eBay. There were many versions of the same projectile fish. He was like that dude on the Muppet Show.

While many dads might have used this as a reason to end this musical bedtime routine, I knew that it wasn’t going to fly. Lucas isn’t the kind of kid that you just rip cherished keepsakes from. There was no way he could sleep without this thing. I accepted that. The issue was the size and fragility of it all.

So, I went on Amazon and purchased this small little recordable box used to put sound into musical dolls. Roughly the size of a deck of cards, this little savior was able to replace his fish with the same music that his mobile had been playing since he was an infant.

Today, he still uses it. The little box sits on his stomach as he sleeps and, the moment something jars him awake, he presses the button and drifts back to sleep. You can always tell when you’re making too much noise at night if you hear the melodic tones dinging from his room. While we went through 100 tanks in five years, we have had the same little box for just as long.

This is why knowing your kid is so important. You read that story and think, “Oh. Lucas likes the same things. He doesn’t want changes to what he is comfortable with.”

It’s good thinking, but also wrong thinking. That might hold true for his music, but his devices are a different story. All apologies to “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, but just when you think you’ve got all the answers, Lucas changes the questions.

Last year, I came across a used Amazon Fire tablet. They are similar to the Apple iPad that he is obsessed with, but operate slightly differently. It also, just like the iPad, has YouTube Kids, his favorite app. I figured he would hate it.

He loves it.

Lucas candy-flips these devices back and forth throughout the day, but Ol’ Fire is his favorite. Suddenly, without warning, he will drop his iPad on the ground like a tank of fish and take my hand. Walking with purpose, he leads me to where the Fire is charging and wants that instead.

Why? I don’t know. He just does. Had you asked me before I got it, I would have bet money that we’d have tossed it in the trash within weeks. Nope. My guy marches to the beat of his own drum. Just as you think you’ve figured it out, he throws the drum away and starts playing the accordion.

If you want a real autism parenting hack that works for everyone? You got it. Know your child. Listen to them and observe. Take chances on what might work and, when you fail, don’t beat yourself up. Try again and find what does. In the end, no one will ever know them the way the people who love them do. If anyone is going to get it right, it’s us.