Raising children is a journey filled with unique lessons and experiences. My teenage daughter and my non-verbal son, Lucas, have taught me this in very different ways.

While I see reflections of myself in my daughter, guiding Lucas has been an entirely different path. His autism presents challenges that defy the usual parenting tactics. But it’s through these challenges that we’ve discovered new ways of learning and growing together.

For her, the journey has been more traditional. There are aspects of my teenage daughter’s personality that people notice come from me. Good or bad, there are aspects of her that I know were influenced by her dear old dad.

Some of it is genetics. Some of it is chance. Some of it is by design. Even in her youth, my daughter’s future was always on my mind. I wanted her to pick up things I considered positive in my personality. So, I tried to encourage that.

Since she is neurotypical, that task wasn’t too involved. If I wanted her to be caring, I told her stories about times that I was caring for others or they were caring for me. There were anecdotes and personal narratives that all pushed the main idea. Just as I encouraged creativity to have a creative kid, I pushed kindness and other characteristics to make her into that type of person too.

Thanks to this type of forward-thinking, I’m proud to say that my daughter shares many of my favorite traits. and I take credit for nurturing all of that. I knew who I wanted her to be, so I set the best example I could. My hope was that she would pick up the good stuff.

Easy? Not really. It’s easy in execution, but hard to make sure your points are hitting their marks. I knew that I had to simply demonstrate, encourage, and repeat, then hope that some of it seeps through over time. That’s how we teach our kids to be who we want them to be.

Then...there’s Lucas.

My non-verbal little man came along three years after his sister and I was all ready for him. Thanks to my daughter, I knew it all when it came to parenting. I got this. Sit back and watch what I can do.

That was my mentality until I started to spot some early and substantial signs of delay. When it turned out that Lucas had autism, all bets were off. There were no fatherly fables or tales from my past. I couldn’t recount the ways we care for each other or show him the tricks to dealing with other people. None of that was on his radar. None of that was part of his world.

Teaching Lucas something new was nothing like teaching his sister. Explaining deep concepts was impossible. Without being able to tell him, how do you show a non-verbal boy with a completely different approach to the world how to be the person you want him to be?

Honestly? You be it.

That’s what I’ve done. I’ve been the person I want him to be and, thankfully, it’s worked out tremendously in many ways.

Keep in mind, that I’m not talking about drawing or writing skills. Lucas does neither of those things and, at the age of 12, he still grapples with many pieces of understanding that make the world a bit easier to navigate. Not only doesn’t he write, but he doesn’t really understand the concept of it. It’s not something I can encourage or teach. Those are long-term goals in the longest sense of the word.

This goes for a lot of skills. My boy sees the world through his own distinct lenses and certain skills are off the page, at least for now. That’s not the type of teaching I mean.

For Lucas, the things I want him to learn involve temperament and behavior. I want him to be the most lovable and pleasant person he can be. That part I can teach.

Those reading might write off that statement because, for many of us, that’s just who we are. Happy people, miserable people, and all the people in between just fall into that sense of being. We’re all so busy learning to drive and play tennis, that we don’t even think about what makes us up as individuals. We don’t remember how we learned to be pleasant or loving.

With a son like mine, it’s a very important lesson. The frustrations Lucas faces every day, without accessible verbal communication to explain his needs, can make him into a curmudgeon easily. It would take nothing to turn him into a grumpy person, given his uphill battle in many cases. There are many children in the same situation with a sour disposition. If I’m being honest, I feel like I might be one of them, if I couldn’t speak my words when they were dying to get out of my head.

Lucas isn’t like that at all. He’s one of the sweetest boys you could know. I take credit for that for two distinct reasons.

The first is that I’m that way around him, as much as possible. Following my heart surgery in 2012, I made it a point to live a calm life. I try not to get upset, flustered, yell or scream. Life is what it is and we live it. We move forward and we overcome. I’m easy like a Sunday morning.

And, because of that, so is he. My little Sunday morning son doesn’t get worked up when I’m with him. I try to get him, in those moments that could easily veer into a meltdown, back to even. He knows that I have his back and he’s being heard.

Sure, we both have our moments here and there, but he’s grown into a friendly and charming person. My days are always better when he’s here.

The other reason that I take credit for this is because I know he’s not always that way. I’ve heard stories from times I’m not around and know he can be a different kid sometimes. Lucas tends to act in ways that he knows those around him expect.

I can’t do much about though. He doesn’t understand lectures or the concept of time outside of the present moment. I can’t talk to him about how he acted yesterday or how he needs to act tomorrow. Lucas understands right now. So, while I would love to correct that out-of-my-sight behavior, I can’t. So I don’t.

When Dad’s around though, he’s chill as can be. I love that about him. I’m proud that I could show him how to find tranquility through example. He’s my boy and, just like his sister, I know I can help him become the best adult he can be. He’s already well on his way.