Look, I get it. I totally do. For 15 years, I had two of the most wonderful cats you could imagine. They loved me and made me feel needed. They slept by my side, needed assistance, and neither of them ever spoke a word.

Having these pets taught me the value of non-verbal communication. I could sense their needs through their actions and understand, to a point, what they had to have in certain moments. 

That said, it is barely scratching the surface when it comes to having a non-verbal child. However, some pet owners like to think it’s the same thing.

Comparing my 12-year-old son to a pet is kind of a jarring and offensive statement, but one that I have fielded many times. It’s hard to explain the complex reaction that this type of statement causes, but I wanted to try my best to put it into words, for those who value them.

On the surface, there’s that visceral reaction to hearing your child compared to a household animal. As his father, my brain immediately sinks to the lowest insult imaginable. In most cases, I’m fully aware that the person doesn’t mean it in an offensive way. Without a boy like mine in their home, their statements come from a place of ignorance.

Logically, in their minds, it makes perfect sense. Their dog doesn’t speak, but shows love, just like my son. Interacting with a non-verbal being teaches you about wordless communication. I get it. The whole idea of it goes one step over the line when they claim that raising non-verbal pets and people must be “the same thing”.

It’s not.

Lucas is a person. He has the same approach to the world that other people do. Last week, his teachers told me about how he became bashful when a new female substitute teacher entered the room. He hid his face and turned bright red every time she came around. I’ve seen this before from him and it’s a shining example of how – words and life skills be damned – he’s still a little man. Many instincts of those off the autism spectrum rest inside of him too.

I know, I know. Your dog ran away when some pretty lady came over or something. It was cute. I get it. Still, it’s not the same thing. Enough with your dog.

Saying your pet is identical to my non-verbal child is like telling someone in a wheelchair that they’re “just like” your coffee table. After all, it needs to have assistance when being moved and is easier to roll around.

Wow, right? Sounds awful? That’s ‘cause it is. We’re talking about a person.

Same with comparing my human baby to your fur one.

As he is a person, the responsibilities that come with raising him vastly outweigh your pet’s needs. I can’t believe I even have to write that. Caring for a pet is something an eight-year-old can do. Caring for a child is something that many 40-year-olds I know can’t do. The assistance that my son has and the trajectory that his life needs to take are major.

Lucas isn’t simply fed, exercised, and put to bed. Lucas has hobbies, hopes, and loves in his life. The decisions I make about him today will influence the person he becomes tomorrow. The immense responsibility that comes with that is one that many people could never shoulder.

It is a whole different spectrum of love for a child than an animal. I’ve had pets. The bond I had with them is one that I will never forget. They held a strong part in my world. But when they passed, I was sad and went to work the next day. If anything ever happened with my kids, I’d be done. Done. There’s a huge difference.

I’m not writing this as an indictment of those who make this comparison to the parents of non-verbal children. I recognize the awkward way that we all sometimes handle new or confusing situations. It just gets added to the classic lines that people don’t mean any harm by saying. Things like:

He doesn’t look like he has autism.

My friend’s kid, he doesn’t have autism. He’s normal…

Oh look, he waved to me, not sure if he meant it or not, but I’ll take it. Ha ha.

OK, so maybe that last one was a little crappy. I didn’t like that woman. But you get the idea.

Meeting someone who is non-verbal or the people in their life can create a bit of a flustered reaction. I get it. Anything new can create that reaction. They don’t know what to say. They don’t know how to react. Things come out of their mouths without thinking. I try to keep that in mind when they occur.

For those hearing these words, it’s important to correct them if the other person hasn’t done so. Trust me, it’s almost never from a malicious place. Those who make the verbal slip usually apologize right away. I always accept it.

For the person who might say these words, hopefully, you see this blog somewhere in your online travels. Maybe someone shares it with a blue heart over it or sends it to you on whatever social media thing is popular at the time you’re reading this. You can see that the reason why this statement feels offensive when you say it is because it is offensive when you say it.

Try to remember the incredible challenges that even the most positive of special needs families face. If you don’t know, feel free to ask. Most of us have it on our minds more than you might realize. We’d love to drone on about it for a while.

And, yes, your dog is very cute. But if it ever bit one of your children, you’d punt it to the moon. Just being real here.

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